Jumping to conclusions

I was driving with my daughter in the car the other day and we drove past a church. We both laughed at the sign on the side of the building, not only was it quite funny but incredibly true…

“Sometimes the only exercise people get is jumping to conclusions.”

Obviously it went on to say that God is good and can save you from doing that. No doubt!

Although I am always an advocate for exercise, in this case avoid jumping to conclusions…and the good news is that you can save yourself from doing it.

Do you jump to conclusions? Do you assume something to be a certain way based on your perception of that something? Assume that someone meant this or that but really not know fully or at all what they meant? Is it possible that all the conclusions you make are just based on your own perceptions?

I am sure that most of them are the latter. As humans beings we enjoy suffering, just the way we roll and one way to ease that suffering is to stop jumping to conclusions. This is easier said than done. When you really start to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours you begin to realise that a lot of what you think about others and the world at large is based on your own reality and not actual reality. The way you perceive the world, rather than what it or a situation/person etc actually is.

For a week, try noticing the conclusions you jump to. The assumptions you make about others and what they say or do towards you. Notice everything you perceive about anything. That absolutely includes what you think about yourself. The conclusions or judgements you make about yourself.

In a short space of time, if you are honest with yourself, and let’s face it if you aren’t then you are really only lying to yourself, you will notice that most of what you think is not based on fact at all.

Once you become present, you bring conscious awareness to your thoughts, feelings and actions. Be gentle and just go with the flow. It isn’t possible to be present all the time. When we have lived most of our lives on autopilot, ruminating over the past or speculating the future, we skip the most important time – NOW. So it takes a little time to start to learn to become present. When you do, however, you will begin to notice, with super sensitivity, what you think about yourself and those around you. When you are faced with a conclusion or assumption ask yourself if that is true? Could it possibly be based on your own skewed perspectives? Most likely.

The trick is to drop those conclusions and assumptions. This shifts your perspective to one that seeks out truth and that begins to base your own thoughts and behaviours on what actually is – you begin to RESPOND, rather than REACT. When we draw conclusions or assumptions that are not based on realty we are constantly reacting. He or she must have meant this or that….and so on it goes.

Something else happens. You drop the need to be so judgemental of yourself and others too. When you can accept others more for how they are, you will find that you no longer jump to conclusions about them or make assumptions. Why do you need to?

Try it…

[Brilliant Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash]

Goals anyone?

I have a mentor who often sends me 30, 60 and 90 goal sheets. We are having a conversation and she will often say that I need to set realistic and achievable short term goals.

I have always been a bigger picture kind of person. When I was little I would often sit on my bed, by the window, staring out into the night sky wondering what was beyond the stars. I would think about it so much that it actually became overwhelming; the thought that there was more space and more beyond that. My mind couldn’t comprehend that much space, or where it ended. I now realise it doesn’t end. Who knows what is a bazillion light years beyond that galaxy and the next and so on…

So when you look at things like that, short term seems irrelevant.

I have always gone from where I am to the destination in the fastest time possible. My driving has slowed down to speed limit and I think I am guilty at times of driving slower than it. I have worked hard on my persistent need to hurry up. I have stopped rushing when I write and have spent years working on being patient – thank God for yoga. I am getting there and owe much of it to the power of mindfulness and a regular meditation practice.

You get the picture, back to goal setting. Although I have set myself intentions and achieved them over the years, they have always been quite lofty goals and again fuelled by getting to them as fast as possible. The list is long, but to name a few; become a yoga teacher (seriously injured my adductor muscle with that quest), a life coach, writer, meditation teacher, web designer, internet marketer, author, shop at Waitrose (yes that was a goal and OK not too lofty, but nevertheless at one point it seemed like an impossibility)…consultant, photographer and so the list goes on.

After much retrospection I can see that to achieve all those things I had to take the steps necessary to get there, but it wasn’t really a conscious thing, not the earlier intentions anyway. I haven’t always been the mindful soul that I am now. I just set the intention and somehow managed to get myself there, and of course, in the fastest way possible. Sometimes that worked out fine and others I am sure the fastest way meant sacrificing something along the way – like the aforementioned adductor muscle. My second book read like it was galloping towards the finish line someone said…and really they were right, it was.

I have learnt to slow down and enjoy the ride, so to speak, although still have the ability to go at 100 mph. I just don’t sacrifice the quality over the quantity anymore.

It makes sense then that along with that experiential wisdom came the ability to figure out these 30 day goals. 60 and 90 follow naturally if you can get your head around the 30 days. It actually, not surprisingly, came to me through mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness teaches you that there is only one moment you need to concern yourself with, and that is of course, the moment you are in now….and now…and now. We cannot affect the past and the only way you can ever shape your future is by the thoughts, behaviours and actions you have in each moment. Sounds simple right? When you truly understand this concept you realise that you have the power to create anything you want, right here in this moment. Every moment is an opportunity and every moment matters.

I work on 4 main life objectives. These 4 pillars (as my friend Jules likes to call them) are my overarching life goals. Parts of them I am living and parts of them I am working towards. Whatever decisions I make in life I make with these things in mind. Making short term goals then becomes easier because they usually fit into one of those objectives. If they don’t that’s ok, because I will have gone through that thought process as to why, and if I am changing direction.

So I simply set my 30 day goals based on that. The 30 day goals might be standalone or fit into a bigger 60, 90 or longer term goal. The point is they are realistic and achievable….with action! The latter is important.

It took me a long time to realise that a goal without a plan is simply a dream and to turn the dreams into plans and can’t’s into can’s, you need action. Action is the motion that fuels everything, the energy required to make things happen….and what starts that is thought. Thought is energy….the thought becomes behaviour and behaviour becomes action.

So when you set a 30 day goal (I set 3 each month) you work on each of those daily. Daily becomes hourly, hours become minutes and minutes become seconds. I am not saying that every single second you have to think, behave or act on one of those goals, but we all have 24 hours in a day…what you choose to do with them is of your own making. So when you think, behave and act in alignment with your goals, during moments, over hours and days, you’ll find when you reach 30 days you have achieved them.

Although The Secret paves the way to convincing people that all you need do is write an intention down, make a paper aeroplane out of it, chuck it out of the window and wait for the universe to sprinkle its magic and deliver it back to you with a red bow on top, it requires a little more than that. Conscious creation (the process outlined in The Secret) does indeed require us to set an intention. To think (energy) as if that had already manifested itself in our lives, but it is that energy being fuelled by motion…the action that is required. We must take action. Thought may indeed bring about circumstances (synchronicity) and opportunities in line with what we are wanting to achieve, but we must act to make them happen.

Set some life goals….really give thought to what you would like your life to look like and simply work backwards to where you stand now. Set yourself some realistic 30, 60 and 90 day goals in line with that and then be mindful. Be mindful every moment you can be…notice opportunities presenting themselves to you, make the right decisions, think the thoughts in line with your goals, behave in accordance with them and act upon them…this is of course meant to flow more than the process I am writing it to be….and it will…enjoy the process and be mindful to act…

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” –

Amelia Earheart

[This photo is of fitness star, Claire, during an urban photo shoot I did with her in the area around a board (skate) room.]

He loves me, he loves me not

I wasn’t sure what to call this post and the title of the game, where one person seeks to find out if someone loves them or not by picking the petals of a flower; taking it in turns between he (or indeed she) loves me, he loves me not, seems apt. The line that goes with the last petal picked is the true answer. Oh if life were that simple!

How many times have you wondered whether someone likes you? Not just in a romantic way, but anyone you know. It might be a friend, work colleague, sibling, parent or yes, partner. Are you cursed with the dreaded self limiting belief that people don’t like or love you? This most likely stems from feeling not good enough, but the belief that you aren’t loveable or likeable is one that can completely mar your every day life.

This topic has come up in conversations I’ve had with three different people during the past week and so thought perhaps it was worthy of a little prose.

Just because we believe something to be so, doesn’t make it true. In the case of not being liked, most of the time we are completely wrong in our estimations. However, because we believe it, so to do we think it, which means we feel it and we begin to behave in such a way that we attract it! This cycle of conscious creation is what makes the world go round. The universe does not differentiate between good and bad, it simply is, and so the cycle works just as well for the negative as it does for the positive. What we think we become.

‘What you think you become.

What you feel you attract.

What you imagine, you create.’

– Buddha

Ultimately, this means we end up attracting into our life the very thing we are most afraid of – people not liking us! The problem is that when you grip something too tightly you don’t allow it to flow and often we try too hard. We believe someone doesn’t like us and so we try hard to make them, which only pushes them further away.

I have found in life that the solution is always to be found in the problem and in this case it is simply to let go. It is quite freeing and just in using that word it sounds so light and breezy and easy to do. I realise, however, that the reality of it is very different and many people find it incredibly difficult. The reason? They worry and worrying is what gets in the way and certainly what gets in the way of letting go of the need to be liked or feeling that you are disliked or unloved.

Worry begets worry. The more you worry, the more you will worry.

Practising mindfulness can help, both in terms of breaking the worry cycle and letting go of the belief you are not liked or loved.

Establishing a regular meditation practice is always the foundation of mindfulness practice because it sets you off on the right footing and starts your day in the direction of being more mindful. Even if this starts out as just a few minutes each morning, the benefits are greater than not meditating at all.

To get into the habit of being mindful throughout the day I always suggest cues. My watch reminds me to breathe often, not that I stop breathing of course, but I use these lovely prompts as a reminder to be mindful. It might be on the hour each hour, when your next client arrives or in the case of the problem we are discussing here, I suggest you use your worrying as the cue to be mindful. In this way you are not only practising mindfulness, but you are actually interrupting your worry cycle and over time, with persistent and consistent practice, you will break the habit of worrying. The cue will form a habit and your reward will be breaking that worry cycle and becoming present.

You cannot ruminate over the past or worry about the future if you are present.

Remember, to be present is simply to bring yourself back to now – the moment you are in. Engage all your senses in each moment; what can you smell, hear and feel? The more you practice mindfulness the more you begin to notice and the more your senses heighten.

This doesn’t have to apply to just worrying about whether people like you or not, it can relate to any worry.

Through meditation and mindfulness practice we begin to see things as they truly are, not how we see them. We begin to see that much of our belief about not being liked isn’t true and if it indeed is true, we can choose to move away from that situation or simply not respond.

Truly it comes down to liking and loving yourself first. When you do, the same rules apply. You cannot like yourself and not begin to attract that in others; it’s simply how the universe works – like attracts like after all.

There is a humorous twist on the, ‘love me, love me not’ game, that is, ‘he loves me, he loves me lots’ – let that be your mantra.

 

 

 

The power of faith and trusting what is

A long time ago, when I was became interested in Buddhism, it took me some time to fully grasp the concept of letting go and acceptance. For a while it meant being walked all over or not having a voice, about shirking all responsibility, but over the years I have learnt the true meaning of letting go and acceptance.

Letting go actually allows more to come into your life and as the Buddha said,

by the absence of grasping, one is set free

When you can begin to accept the impermanence of life, that we can only ever truly control our own thoughts, behaviours and actions and not those of others, life begins to open up a whole world of new possibilities and opportunities.

Letting go and acceptance also mean the allowing of something else too.

Trust.

Not everyone finds it easy to trust. Not just in trusting others but in trusting yourself and trusting what is.

When you have faith, let go and accept what is, you will find that you start to ‘see’ and trust what comes your way is meant to be. When you live your life consciously, i.e. practising mindfulness and living in the present moment, you will notice that you trust more in what comes your way. That isn’t to say that every situation, person or scenario you experience will lead you to something positive, but what it does mean is that you trust that whatever you are faced with is meant to be there. Whether it be a hard lesson or something more enjoyable.

There is power in trusting what is – you lose expectations and you become less focused on outcomes, spending more time simply enjoying the journey. When you  trust in what is, you live your life more in flow. What used to feel difficult will become easier, what used to feel ‘stuck’ will become unstuck. Your life will meander along much more smoothly than it did before.

I use faith and trust interchangeably and indeed, one is a synonym for the other, but they actually mean different things. Faith is what you hold within you and having the ability to believe in something you don’t have proof or evidence of, whereas trust is more certain and says it IS so.

So you are having faith, that when you let go and practice acceptance everything will be ok. The more you do that, the more you trust what is, because you are experiencing it for real. When your live your life based on these simple principles you will find your life experience is elevated to a whole different level. One where your unshakeable faith and trust create true power, fuelling your ability to change your life and achieve more of what your heart desires than ever before…

 

 

[This photograph of a beautiful Buddha statue was taken along the serene Land of Medicine Buddha Hike in Santa Cruz, California.]

Mindful of Others

A little background before I begin the story to this post…

I freelance as a brand and marketing consultant, which involves a myriad of different work situations from writing and creating artwork to branding and managing social media. I work for a variety of companies, some regular and some just on a project basis.

Yesterday, I was at a marketing meeting for a business where I’ve managed their brand and marketing provision for the past 3 years.  I enjoy being freelance because I can work from home and manage my own time, but obviously providing regular provision for clients means that I also dip into scenarios where, for all intents and purposes, I am seemingly an employee. I get involved in day to day operations and that includes meetings.

I don’t consider myself conventional in many areas and this lends itself well to being able to work different to most people. I am flexible and can adapt to changing environments and workloads. I like the variety and of having a different ‘head’ on depending who I am working for.

Someone new joined this particular company and although there is great benefit to the business in this person’s role, there is also, in the process, as there often is, a lot of toes being trodden on. Egos are bruised, emotions are high and the meeting became rather fraught. As a parent, it reminded me of when my kids were younger and I would go pick them up from nursery. In this tiny space there would be all these kids jostling for the slide or arguing over who had something first.

Having been through a journey of self development for over 10 years I have come to realise that as we grow into adults, unless we become aware and address our dysfunctions that form from our childhood experiences, they will continue to play out and actually become stronger the older we get.

What better way for them to appear than in the workplace.

I meditate daily, I practice yoga every morning before the birds wake up, I eat a healthy diet, I don’t drink and I have worked on my issues more than I can myself comprehend at times, but this does not make me super human, in fact I would say it makes me more human. It makes me more sensitive and certainly more aware. During the meeting, I too felt a surge of emotions come to the surface around my own role and the benefit of that within the organisation.

I am a constant work in progress and so naturally when I drove home and later mulled over in my mind the events of yesterday, I realised how attached we truly are to things that really, in the grand scheme of things, do not matter.

I don’t say this in the sense of not caring about your job or that the work you do doesn’t matter, I say it in the sense of the way we allow our egos to steer the ship. For when it does, we are allowing our emotions to take control and run away with us. This is what happened yesterday for me and I believe most definitely, for a couple of other people in the room too.

Not only was the meeting difficult, but in jest my beliefs were also questioned. My Buddhist path and the core of what I believe and that which I choose to guide my life with. Together with my role in the business, I not only took these things to heart, but actually questioned them to a degree that resulted in me feeling stressed.

Is it bad to question yourself? Not at all. Tony Robbins always says, ‘quality questions create a quality life.’ I try to avoid good and bad but it came to me in meditation that questioning myself wasn’t the issue. That was just part for the course I was on. The problem was in that I allowed myself to respond unconsciously. I wasn’t present or being mindful at the time. I had slipped into autopilot and the old patterns that had previously for most of my adult life ran the show, were once again in control. You could think of this as your child like self acting out and as I said earlier, jostling for position to keep on the slide or hold the toy. The common saying is known as, throwing our toys out of the pram!

When I am mindful I have empathy for others. I see that often people act out (much like children) their dysfunctions and let their egos run the show. They respond to each emotion as they arise. If you have ever watched children in a playground before, you’ll know the behaviour I am talking about. Adults in a meeting are at times no different.

When we are mindful we are present and aware of our responses. We notice emotions within us, but because we are present we can choose how to respond. We can remain silent, we can ponder on a question or a comment before we say it.

The outcome of being mindful in a situation like I was in yesterday, is vastly different from one where you are on autopilot.

I would not ordinarily question my core beliefs, because over the years I have chosen for them to be there. They are part of who I am and how I choose to live my life. I would not question my value because I have come to know my value and I would not question my behaviour because I always try to be the best I can be and to help others.

However, when you are on autopilot you are not clear and when the ego and emotions run the show there is confusion, doubt and fear.

I left the meeting yesterday feeling all of those things and they plagued me as I went to sleep and during my yoga practice this morning.

Meditation of course brings clarity and during my practice it came to me, that of course I am human (people often need to remind me of that fact), and I can only do my best. To keep on giving, whenever there is opportunity to, to remain humble and keep learning as if a beginner, to continue working on my own personal development so that I can help others, but most importantly to be mindful. Mindful in every moment I can be, because ultimately that enables me to be mindful of others.

When we are mindful of others we can smile and let things go, because we see the humanisms in others that are also present in ourselves. Everyone has their own set of dysfunctions that they play out on a daily basis, everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and who they are. When you are mindful, you are in a place of forgiveness and acceptance of that.

Being mindful of others means you do not need to be right, instead you can choose kindness.

Namasté (I honour that which is in you that is also present within me).

[This beautiful ink and letters image is from Geli. You can visit her blog and read and see more of her work at http://hellogelibee.blogspot.co.uk/ Thank You Geli!]