Is everyone good at something they love?

You hear it so often – ‘do something you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life’.

Read any self development book, listen to a podcast or read an article on finding your purpose and you’ll be guided to figuring out what you love doing. What you’re passionate about. What you’re good at.

The million dollar question is then, is everyone good at something they love? Does that one thing jump out at you? Is there something you would happily do for free?

In my experience it’s not that straight forward. For some people, their natural talent definitely shines through. For others it doesn’t.

I’d be interested to know about you – do you feel there’s something you love? Are you good at something? Is there that one thing you’re always drawn toward?

Do tell…

[image copyright thank you Kyle Peyton Instagram @kylepyt]

This is life…

Buddhism teaches us that life is suffering and sets out a path we can choose to follow that eases the suffering, somewhat. One of the fundamental teachings is simply; it is what it is. That isn’t to mean we become passive and accept whatever comes our way without any emotion – we are human and truly that’s what causes the suffering. What it means is that life is what it is – we can’t control everything that comes into our lives day by day. We are surrounded by billions of other humans and on a daily basis, hundreds and thousands of others who come and go around us. Each with their own thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions. In addition, nature does its thing and in every second billions of tiny things happen. It would be an absolute impossibility to even comprehend how we could control all of that. Not to mention exhausting!

What we can control is our response to it. Buddhism teaches us to remain centred whatever the weather, so to speak. For a long time I always thought of this more in times of trouble – so when there’s a storm and life is flinging you about and blowing you this way and that. What I’ve come to realise, experientially, is that being centred is just as important when life is up as it is when it is down.

Life doesn’t differentiate between good and bad. It is the meaning we place upon things that make it so – that make our experience what it is. If we are always striving for the highs, the lows become unwanted and harder to manage. That isn’t to say we can’t be happy or content – it is more about accepting that life is not intended to be that way all of the time. When you can truly accept that deep within, you begin to see that when bumps in the road occur – or back to my weather analogy, when we get blown about a little or experience full on storms, they’re easier to deal with. They’ll come and they’ll go.

This week I was quite hard on myself about something I did – not involving anyone else, just an experience I had that I deemed not good for me. A friend said to me that a couple of days before I was on a high and just to remember that. Suddenly it was as though I was transported somewhere high above and given a different perspective. One where I could see my experience on both occasions – both what I had deemed high and then low were simply experiences – they were not good or bad, they just were. My perspective or the meaning I had placed to each experience is what made it so – what made it good or bad to me.

I’ve got several situations going on in my life right now that are challenging – as we all have at points in our lives. This is life and if we can remain centred – whatever that is for each of us, we can weather the storms without immense suffering. Experiencing emotions is normal – but being overcome and dragged along by them daily is what creates suffering. There are varying degrees to suffering – losing someone and grieving is suffering we often must endure and go through. However, suffering to life’s ups and downs is a choice. For example, worrying creates suffering that is most often totally unnecessary. We worry about things don’t even happen, yet in our minds the worries have become very real. There are times when this incessant worrying actually brings about what we are most worried about!

So what is being centred?

It isn’t so much about being in the middle because what is your middle may be different to mine or the next persons. It is about finding that ‘centre’ within, that place of peace or knowing, belonging where you feel centred. In my experience most people have to practice at this because to know that place is to know yourself. Finding time to be quiet, still and look within.

Meditation and mindfulness is a tool you can use for raising your level of self awareness, allowing you to create space to see the way you think, behave and act in a way that is objective. Meditation connects you with your ‘true self’ that can only be found within and truly the place of centredness. Seek and you will find – start a regular daily meditation practice. Over time as your self awareness grows and you create space, being able to bring yourself back to centre becomes something you do naturally.  It becomes a sanctuary and a place of peace where you can rest and restore from whatever life brings your way.

[Thank you for this beautiful image…Photo by Juan Gomez on Unsplash]

Where do I start?

One of the most commonly asked questions when talking about mindfulness is, “where do I start?” The answer is simple; start where you are. If you have no understanding of mindfulness (although that in itself is a paradox in terms) then there’s this lovely little story I heard that explains it perfectly…

A Buddhist master is walking with his student in the mountains one day.

” Master, I want to practice mindfulness as you do, but although I have been practising for 6 years, I don’t know where to start.”

“Can you hear that stream?” the master replied.

The student couldn’t and stopped for a moment to listen.

“Yes,” he said, “I can hear that now.”

“Then start there.” said the Buddhist master matter of factly.

They continued to walk and a little further on the student turned again to the master.

“Master, might I just ask, what would you have said if I had said I couldn’t hear the stream?”

The master simply smiled and said to the student, “start here.”

Mindfulness is nothing more than immersing yourself in the present moment and each moment as they happen. Through your senses, taking in everything you hear, see, smell and feel in any moment. Often we can’t grasp it because of the simplicity. We need to see something to understand it or we need an explanation to grasp something.

There is nothing to see, nothing to grasp, just being with what is. When you attempt to describe the ‘is-ness’ you have lost it because it is nameless, without form and indescribable. We use words because that’s how we communicate and if I were to publish a blank page everyone would assume I had done so by mistake.

So to begin to meditate or to practise mindfulness, start here. Where you are at, in this moment…and the next, and the next. There is only ever one moment.

[This mountain stream photo is by Annie Spratt on Unsplash]

7 daily practices to change your life

It doesn’t matter the area of your life, if you strip things back to basics you will find that life just becomes easier. When I was thinking about writing this article, I thought about skincare and how going back to basics always works. I thought about diet and healthy eating; keeping things simple gets results. Exercise and keeping it simple means you can sustain a regime that works. Clothing is another example I thought of and the notion of, essentials. Keeping things simple, stripping back to basics and working on essentials gets results. When we over complicate things, start adding in too much our lives become chaotic. The mind, therefore, is no different and I started to think about the basic practices I apply to my daily life that makes a difference…

What I have learnt over the years on my own journey of self development is that consistency in any area of your life is the key to success. That and being persistent. So doing the same thing but doing it regularly. That isn’t to say that you can’t or shouldn’t change something if it isn’t working, but to truly get results you have to keep practising.

Creating healthy habits don’t just apply to diet and exercise, they apply to the mind too. Ultimately, everything comes from mind because it dominates our being and drives our body, so to speak. Cultivating a healthy mind is, therefore, paramount if we are to live a happy and peaceful life.

Here are my basic, essential and simple 7 daily practices that if practiced consistently, every day, will change your life. They are in no particular order and so it isn’t that you have to do them in the order in which they appear. I do have times of day when I prefer to do some practices and have outlined those and why that is below, but truly find what works for you and remember, they are intended to be basic and so keep it simple.

1. Yoga

Although at first this may be perceived as just an exercise, yoga goes way above and beyond any conventional form of exercise. Indeed, the physical practice does have its benefits, truly it is a spiritual practice; a moving meditation and a daily practice or discipline if you like, where you are unifying your mind, body and spirit with universal consciousness. Even if your intention is just around the physical, you will benefit on all other levels regardless.

For me, yoga is a self discipline and one that sets the tone for the day. It cleanses and detoxes the body from the inside out and leaves my body feeling lighter, stronger and energised. My mind is calmer and overall I feel balanced. The physical practice of yoga (hatha) is traditionally the foundation for meditation (raja) and so naturally once I have practised yoga I move into my daily meditation practice.

It doesn’t matter really what time of day you practice yoga. I practice at 5 am simply because that is I have found the most beneficial time. Traditionally yoga is practiced in this way and really does set you up for the day. If your schedule doesn’t allow it, then practice at a time that suits you. It took me years to be able to get up at 5 am and just roll out of bed onto my yoga mat. There are days when I don’t want to do that and days when my body feels like lead, but this is the practice. Getting to the mat regardless of how I feel and taking myself, warts and all as the saying goes, to the mat. Yoga is a practice of self development and a great teacher.

Yoga has become so intrinsically woven into my life that if I have days where I rest from practice it is my body that calls for me to return. I am a better person when I practice yoga. My body feels better and my mind is clearer. Yoga is breath and breath is after all life. Yoga is life.

2. Meditation

By the absence of grasping one is set free. – Buddha

If we can surrender to the present moment we will experience freedom. Meditation allows that space where we can be ourselves, surrender to the present moment and let go of our attachments. In that space we are free and over time the practice spills into our lives in such a way that things just aren’t the same again. Meditation is the foundation to live each day mindfully. It is like turbo boosting your ability to be mindful throughout the day.

It can take time to learn to meditate but simply if you can breathe in and out you can meditate. Once again, we often overthink it so much that it becomes impossible. Truly all we are doing is allowing ourselves to just sit and just be. Focusing on the in breath and focusing on the out breath.

Meditation is the focused awareness of something so that we become at one with it. Truly this becomes consciousness itself but in the beginning it is a case of just sitting and focusing on ones breath. Noticing the thoughts that come and go, sounds and other ‘distractions’ around us and returning focus to the breath. The practice itself is the constant returning to the breath. There is no need to force thoughts away or be carried off with them. We are simply a silent watcher, focusing on our breath and noticing what comes and what goes. Witnessing the arising and falling of whatever comes into consciousness in each moment.

3. Mindfulness

There is no difference between meditation and mindfulness. The two terms are used interchangeably. It is often easy to differentiate them by thinking of meditation as a sitting practice and mindfulness as a daily practice; being mindful of each moment as it happens.

We live most of our lives unconsciously. This is not to mean we are KO’d on the floor, but it does mean we spend most of our time on autopilot. It is our past, conditioned responses that drive how we think and act. This is our ego. We spend most of our time either ruminating over past or dreaming about the future. We rarely spend time in the only time there actually is, and that is now. Be in the now. Be present, fully, in each moment. When you are present to each moment as it is happening you undergo an awakening. You are free from ego. You experience life with a much deeper connection and from a much richer perspective.

This way of being, of living mindfully, takes time. We are not used to being conscious, of being in the present moment. When you spend time in the here and now you are experiencing consciousness as it happens. You are the creator of your own life. You are experiencing each moment and making decisions based on the now, ultimately consciously creating your own life.

To do this, be present as much and as fully as you can throughout the day and your waking life. Bring your attention to the present moment. Experience each moment as it happens.What can you hear, what can you smell, see, touch, taste? When you open yourself up to the present moment you feel alive and your senses revel in what they are being flooded with. The more you become present, the more you will experience and your life becomes fuller and richer from it.

You will begin to notice your thoughts and behaviours and over time change these. You will begin to feel compassion and empathy towards others. You will notice when your emotions shift and you experience anger or other negative emotions. Again, over time being mindful enables you to start to choose how you interact and respond to those around you. Truly there is tremendous power in the now. This is where you always want to aim to be.

4. Gratitude

Gratitude is not something we say with a, thank you. It is something we feel. Gratitude is a daily practice that on its own will change your life. When you are grateful for all that you have now, you are opening yourself up to receiving more. When you spend your life complaining about what you have, or don’t have, what is missing and what you need more of, you create more of the same. When you truly feel grateful for all that you have now, you invite more into your life naturally. The more gratitude you can practice, the more you will have to be grateful for.

This again is a practice you need to do daily. I sometimes write my list of gratitudes down and sometimes I play it through my mind. Either way I am feeling grateful. For all that I have and throughout my day as I experience each moment.

Even when we experience something seemingly negative or ‘bad’ we can practise gratitude. There are always lessons in everything sent our way. Find the gratitude in every experience, good and bad. Be grateful for everything that comes through your life, whatever it is. In this way you will find over time you become less rocked by the good and bad, simply accepting the ‘isness’ of everything. When you have this acceptance of what is and being grateful for that you will begin to experience more joy in your life too.

5. Loving Kindness

In Buddhism loving kindness is the expression of the true nature of Buddha and called ‘metta’. I was first introduced to the idea of practising loving kindness by Chade Meng Tan who is a brilliant thought leader and author of the book, Joy on Demand. He used to be a software engineer and motivator at Google.

Practising loving kindness literally takes seconds and I would encourage you to do this as often as possible. Sometimes at night before I go to bed I practice loving kindness for longer but really it just needs you to bring your attention to the present moment and think about someone to send loving kindness to. In his book, Meng relayed the story of a woman who took his course at Google and who agreed to take part in his loving kindness exercise. He asked everyone to simply wish someone well every hour. It could be anyone and in the case of this woman she simply noticed whoever was passing her at the time and wished them well. She said that at the end of the day it was the best day she had experienced for 7 years!

Often times the best way of getting out of our own head and moving away from your own problems is to wish someone else well. Transferring our attention onto someone else is a sure fire way to make us feel better. I absolutely guarantee that if you practice loving kindness every day for a month you will notice a massive difference in your life. Try it.

6. Contribution/Service

Oprah Winfrey says that service + significance = success. We are born to serve. We are here to help our fellow humans with whatever talents, gifts and skills have had bestowed upon us. You may not know your purpose, but whatever you do, every day, ask yourself, what you can do to serve today? What can you do to contribute to others today? Truly the meaning of a happy and fulfilled life is to serve others and as with loving kindness, serving and helping others makes us feel better.

Contributing to something greater than yourself is your purpose, whatever that might be. Asking this each day will open up opportunities every day for you to serve and help others. Ways that you can contribute for the good of humanity. These might not be gargantuan things, but unless you are open to them you won’t see them. If you are being mindful throughout your day you will notice far more than you did before. In this way, ask this question and be present enough to notice what comes up.

You might not choose to take up everything that comes your way to help others, but there will be opportunities that align with your soul and you just feel moved to do. Service to others will make a massive difference to how you feel and what comes into your life. Take the spotlight off yourself and put it out to the world. Ask yourself, how can I serve or be used to help others today and do it every day…

7. Compassion

Compassion is something I have felt I don’t struggle with towards others, but enormously towards myself. However, over time I realised that you cannot be compassionate truly to others unless you first show compassion to yourself. This daily practice then is as much to you as it is to be practised outwards to others.

Compassion is showing kindness to others. If it is not a daily practice for you now, try incorporating it into your day. To be giving to others is a form of compassion and so coupled with your daily desire to serve and contribute to others will naturally cultivate your compassion practice.

With all of these practices it is about including them in your day in a way that isn’t contrived. Although there is an element of faking it until you make it when it comes to believing in yourself, especially when you start out and are new to self development practices, you can’t fake true kindness or compassion. You can’t fake helping someone or being giving of your time to someone, otherwise it is not true giving.

As with any practice, the more you do something, the better you become at doing it. Over time these practices will become your natural habits – how joyful to have such positive habits! Be patient and simply practice…

What must you do before you have a good level of self worth?

Ask yourself this and, ‘what must I be or do in my life before I value myself?’

If, ‘I am not good enough’, is your most dominant self limiting belief, then you will (most likely unconsciously) create a whole myriad of things you must be and do before you can have a good level of self worth. So when you look to answer these questions honestly, the most likely answer to them will be nothing.

If you are truly honest with yourself, you will see quite clearly that there is nothing you could ever do in terms of external achievements that would impact on your level of self worth to a degree where it is sustainable. You could continue on through the rest of your life convincing yourself that before you can value yourself and have a good level of self worth you must first; buy a house, secure the job of your dreams, live in a warmer country, find a husband or wife, have thousands in the bank, have published a book, be thinner, have better skin (or whatever other body part you think you’d feel better if it changed) and so the list goes on. However, if what you have achieved in your life to this point hasn’t affected the level of self worth you hold for yourself, nothing you ever achieve will affect it. This might seem obvious, but until it sinks in what I am saying won’t have enough of an effect for you to do something meaningful about it. At certain points in your life, when you achieve something, you may get that feeling of elation that ‘this is it!’, this is what you have been waiting for, but you will soon realise it isn’t and continue on with your search for what is missing and needing to just reach another point.

In the end you realise that half of your adult life has disappeared in ‘some day isle’ (a phrase a good friend of mine uses) and that you spend half your time living in the future. You aren’t where your feet are planted, i.e. in the here and now where truly your life is and where it matters most. If you think about it, this is right where your future is created.

The nature of the problem to feeling less than or not good enough is there is something missing. This is why you live your life constantly looking at what you have done wrong or what you could do better – you are focusing on the lack and the scarcity – the what is missing from your life that makes you not good or enough or less than. If you could fill that space, that void with a better job, more money (something from the list above or whatever you feel is missing) your life will be complete. You will be more than enough and feel good. This is self sabotage and a cruel trick of the mind.

The solution is always to be found within the problem – in this case it is simple; to what is missing – there is nothing missing, it is already there within you – your false perception of what is real deludes you into thinking there is something missing. I cannot comment on what your life experience has been to create these false limiting beliefs about yourself, but usually it is the case they were created in childhood. It isn’t even the case that there needed to be great torrents of abuse – truly most parents do the best they can. However, it does not take much for children to grow up believing they are not good enough. Depending on the degree to which they take that on board, will shape the way they then live their lives. This happens through constantly reaffirming the belief by repetitive patterns of behaviour, until it is so conditioned within their being, that by adulthood it simply becomes a normal way of life. Not good enough and the feeling of being less than is so intrinsic to character that it weaves its way through every single avenue of one’s life making it nigh on impossible to spot.

Through meditation and mindfulness it is possible to raise your level of self awareness to such a degree that you can unravel the behaviour and change it. Starting with identifying the beliefs you hold about yourself, others and the world at large. Being mindful enables you to see how your beliefs shape your thoughts that in turn guide your behaviour and ultimately drive your actions.

If you can replace the limiting beliefs you can transform your life. It will not happen overnight. These beliefs have been within you for many years. The further along your life path you are, the trickier it becomes, but it is possible and often times I have found that it is not gargantuan leaps you need to take to make a difference, just small steps that over time become the difference.

If you are reading this, you are already seeking some sort of change. Start by noticing what you think about yourself, what are the habitual patterns of thought that run through your mind are. If you can’t figure these out, that’s ok. Honestly, these beliefs are so ingrained that it can be difficult to know what they are. Another effective way of figuring them out is to look at the end result i.e. what you experience in your life. What are the common themes that run through your relationships, your career, your lifestyle habits, your finances? Really look closely and be honest with yourself. Meditate upon them and seek the answers. They will come.

Once you have figured out the most dominant limiting beliefs – we all have so many, but usually there are just one or two that literally infiltrate most of your life – work on them. I guarantee if you can start to replace the limiting belief with a new one that does serve you, your life will start to change. I am not good enough becomes I am enough, I have enough and I am more than capable of …..(fill in the gap). It all starts with a belief. If nothing else at the starting point, believe in yourself enough to want to change. Start here, right now where your feet are planted and believe in the power you have within you to change. Take each moment of each day and affirm that to yourself until you identify the beliefs and do the same to change those. When you begin to form new beliefs these in turn spark different thoughts. When you start to take actions that are aligned with your new beliefs and thoughts you put energy into motion and you manifest a different outcome than the one you are living. You consciously create a new life, a better life and all those things you believed you needed to achieve to be good enough will already be in front of you. You will realise you are enough and you have enough. In the here and now. I am good enough comes from within and when you truly believe that it will emanate from you into every aspect of your life. What is within will always be without.

“To know you have enough is to be rich beyond measure.” – Lao Tzu

[There is a paradox to me in this photo, finding peace and serenity sitting on the top of a Range Rover. It sums this post up to me in so many ways. This photo was taken by the ocean close to Reyes Point, California, where my sister and I were convinced of climbing down a cliff with my brother!]

Goals anyone?

I have a mentor who often sends me 30, 60 and 90 goal sheets. We are having a conversation and she will often say that I need to set realistic and achievable short term goals.

I have always been a bigger picture kind of person. When I was little I would often sit on my bed, by the window, staring out into the night sky wondering what was beyond the stars. I would think about it so much that it actually became overwhelming; the thought that there was more space and more beyond that. My mind couldn’t comprehend that much space, or where it ended. I now realise it doesn’t end. Who knows what is a bazillion light years beyond that galaxy and the next and so on…

So when you look at things like that, short term seems irrelevant.

I have always gone from where I am to the destination in the fastest time possible. My driving has slowed down to speed limit and I think I am guilty at times of driving slower than it. I have worked hard on my persistent need to hurry up. I have stopped rushing when I write and have spent years working on being patient – thank God for yoga. I am getting there and owe much of it to the power of mindfulness and a regular meditation practice.

You get the picture, back to goal setting. Although I have set myself intentions and achieved them over the years, they have always been quite lofty goals and again fuelled by getting to them as fast as possible. The list is long, but to name a few; become a yoga teacher (seriously injured my adductor muscle with that quest), a life coach, writer, meditation teacher, web designer, internet marketer, author, shop at Waitrose (yes that was a goal and OK not too lofty, but nevertheless at one point it seemed like an impossibility)…consultant, photographer and so the list goes on.

After much retrospection I can see that to achieve all those things I had to take the steps necessary to get there, but it wasn’t really a conscious thing, not the earlier intentions anyway. I haven’t always been the mindful soul that I am now. I just set the intention and somehow managed to get myself there, and of course, in the fastest way possible. Sometimes that worked out fine and others I am sure the fastest way meant sacrificing something along the way – like the aforementioned adductor muscle. My second book read like it was galloping towards the finish line someone said…and really they were right, it was.

I have learnt to slow down and enjoy the ride, so to speak, although still have the ability to go at 100 mph. I just don’t sacrifice the quality over the quantity anymore.

It makes sense then that along with that experiential wisdom came the ability to figure out these 30 day goals. 60 and 90 follow naturally if you can get your head around the 30 days. It actually, not surprisingly, came to me through mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness teaches you that there is only one moment you need to concern yourself with, and that is of course, the moment you are in now….and now…and now. We cannot affect the past and the only way you can ever shape your future is by the thoughts, behaviours and actions you have in each moment. Sounds simple right? When you truly understand this concept you realise that you have the power to create anything you want, right here in this moment. Every moment is an opportunity and every moment matters.

I work on 4 main life objectives. These 4 pillars (as my friend Jules likes to call them) are my overarching life goals. Parts of them I am living and parts of them I am working towards. Whatever decisions I make in life I make with these things in mind. Making short term goals then becomes easier because they usually fit into one of those objectives. If they don’t that’s ok, because I will have gone through that thought process as to why, and if I am changing direction.

So I simply set my 30 day goals based on that. The 30 day goals might be standalone or fit into a bigger 60, 90 or longer term goal. The point is they are realistic and achievable….with action! The latter is important.

It took me a long time to realise that a goal without a plan is simply a dream and to turn the dreams into plans and can’t’s into can’s, you need action. Action is the motion that fuels everything, the energy required to make things happen….and what starts that is thought. Thought is energy….the thought becomes behaviour and behaviour becomes action.

So when you set a 30 day goal (I set 3 each month) you work on each of those daily. Daily becomes hourly, hours become minutes and minutes become seconds. I am not saying that every single second you have to think, behave or act on one of those goals, but we all have 24 hours in a day…what you choose to do with them is of your own making. So when you think, behave and act in alignment with your goals, during moments, over hours and days, you’ll find when you reach 30 days you have achieved them.

Although The Secret paves the way to convincing people that all you need do is write an intention down, make a paper aeroplane out of it, chuck it out of the window and wait for the universe to sprinkle its magic and deliver it back to you with a red bow on top, it requires a little more than that. Conscious creation (the process outlined in The Secret) does indeed require us to set an intention. To think (energy) as if that had already manifested itself in our lives, but it is that energy being fuelled by motion…the action that is required. We must take action. Thought may indeed bring about circumstances (synchronicity) and opportunities in line with what we are wanting to achieve, but we must act to make them happen.

Set some life goals….really give thought to what you would like your life to look like and simply work backwards to where you stand now. Set yourself some realistic 30, 60 and 90 day goals in line with that and then be mindful. Be mindful every moment you can be…notice opportunities presenting themselves to you, make the right decisions, think the thoughts in line with your goals, behave in accordance with them and act upon them…this is of course meant to flow more than the process I am writing it to be….and it will…enjoy the process and be mindful to act…

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” –

Amelia Earheart

[This photo is of fitness star, Claire, during an urban photo shoot I did with her in the area around a board (skate) room.]

The Cycle of Self Sabotage

A friend of mine suggested revisiting a limiting beliefs exercise. While completing it and journalling around it I arrived at some profound realisations about self sabotage and drew The Self Sabotage Cycle. This is experiential for me and wanted to share here in the hope that it would help others who experience self sabotage and/or are not aware of it.

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage is an extremely powerful and destructive behaviour that is almost always created during early childhood. By the age of 10 we begin to apply meaning to our experiences and thus create beliefs about ourselves which then begin to shape and create our lives. The complexity of this process means, that the fears we hold at the core of these beliefs, then force us to create rules and excuses that become ingrained within us and form our ‘innate’ character. By thinking, behaving and acting based on these beliefs, over and over again, we condition ourselves until the responses become automatic – and we live on autopilot.

We aren’t consciously aware that the actions we are taking and decisions we are making come from a completely dysfunctional perspective, simply because of the meaning we placed on our early childhood experiences.

How do we create self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage is created as a way of ‘protecting’ ourselves during traumatic or negative childhood experiences. As an example, and this will vary from person to person depending on individual experience, an immobilising fear of; making mistakes, being ridiculed, being rejected, being physically or emotionally abused, being disliked and being unloved, is the catalyst for a child to develop a need to create a response that, in their mind, will keep them safe. In this example, that response is to ensure one remains small and goes as unnoticed as possible. The fear the child has is very real; in response to the behaviour and actions of someone close to them and/or to the environment in which they live, but as an adult, although the threat no longer exists, the fear and the need to protect oneself remains as strong as ever.

The child may experience difficulties with interpersonal relationships, but largely; going unnoticed, keeping quiet, not laughing or having fun and playing the victim, does the child little harm. It simply serves the purpose (although on a subconscious, ‘unconscious’ level) i.e. if I act this way I am less likely to; be ridiculed, be noticed, be hit, be rejected, and so on. As the child grows up, however, and inevitably becomes an adult, self-sabotage wreaks havoc on every element of life; from work and finances to all interpersonal relationships, especially intimate ones where trust and commitment is required, health and lifestyle.

What are the effects of self-sabotage?

Where a child’s needs are not met, it can be the case where the adult also experiences addiction. Although driven by a need that can never be met to fill a hole that can never be filled, addiction becomes merely another form of self-sabotage and a useful and wicked resource from which ‘it’ can draw from. Adult life can become tumultuous, chaotic and very painful.

Sabotaging jobs, relationships, finances, health and so on are all common place when self-sabotage is at play. It goes undetected because of a lack of self-awareness and simply not realising where the behaviour stems from and that it is responsible for the life you are living.

How can I be free of self-sabotage?

Not everyone becomes aware of the self-sabotage at work in their lives. However, fortunately, due to the nature of the destruction it can cause and the associated feelings of being stuck (which truly are beliefs and excuses we create) it can lead to seeking a better life and a desire to become free.

Self-sabotage requires mindfulness, patience and loving kindness towards oneself. Bravely delving into the limiting beliefs held about yourself and uncovering the fear that lies at the root of them. The fears are rarely real. The only frightening realisation is that something you were afraid of 30 or 40 years ago is now ruling and ruining your life – keeping you from living the life you desire and truly deserve.

When anything is brought into the light it is never as frightening as it seems. When you can identify the beliefs, rules and excuses, and importantly the fear beneath them, it brings a level of awareness that enables you to notice your actions. Over time it becomes easier to realise the thoughts and behaviours driving the actions that no longer serve you. There will come a point when you are able to see clearly the points at which you are sabotaging something you want to bring into your life; whether that be around work, purpose, money, health or relationships.

Naturally, the most powerful limiting beliefs you hold about yourself are the areas in which you sabotage the most.

By living ‘mindfully’ you are able to choose differently. When your choices are no longer based on fear and fuelled by beliefs that are simply not true, you will find you begin to manifest more of what you want in your life, rather than getting in your own way and receiving more of what you don’t want. The only thing keeping you stuck where you are, is you. Be courageous and make your goal and intention to become free from the cycle of self-sabotage.

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”

– Grace Murray Hopper

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

Practising mindfulness brings self-awareness. You will notice a pattern emerging around your self-sabotage behaviour; a cycle – the series of actions that you regularly repeat in the same order.

The diagram below shows the Self-Sabotage Cycle at the point that most people become aware that self-sabotage is ruling (and ruining!) their lives.

Before this time, you will have probably gone through the cycle countless times over many years and most likely, experienced it throughout your adult life to date. The sabotage will often kick in before you have even taken any action. You might get an idea or want to do something or bring about a change in your life, only to ruin it before it even starts. You won’t have even been aware you were ruining it, you were just doing what you do. Life is chaotic, and you constantly change your mind, second guess your decisions and generally run amok with yourself. Self-sabotage is cruel, relentless and plays out in a myriad of destructive ways.

As time goes on the cycle might continue to where you experience some progress and even success, but no matter how far around the cycle you get, you will inevitably at some point sabotage your happiness and eradicate the possibility of getting what it is that you desire.

The stages of the Self-Sabotage Cycle

In any area of your life you may set yourself a goal or intention. You act and find you are making progress. This inspires you and you feel excited to take more action towards achieving what it is you want. You may even achieve some success, and this gives you confidence to work on achieving and realising your goal. It is at this point that you will sabotage yourself. Whether that is convincing yourself it wasn’t for you, distracting yourself to do something else or out and out destroying something or putting an obstacle in your path to ensure you don’t achieve your goal, no matter how big or small it is.

The diagram clearly shows that at the point which you sabotage yourself and thus prevent yourself from achieving your goal and manifesting your intention, the circle is broken. It is symbolic in reflecting the incompleteness and ‘stuck feeling’ it creates within you and your life. The Self-Sabotage Cycle is one where the prize, glory, happiness or whatever you see it as, is missing. In the Self-Sabotage Cycle, once you have sabotaged your goal or intention, you simply start over again with something new. Constantly repeating this cycle can become intense, turbulent and incredibly confusing.

Breaking the Cycle 

With mindfulness comes awareness and clarity. At the point which you would ordinarily sabotage your goal and intention (ultimately your happiness!) you simply choose to continue. Often the one thing we need to do is not a gargantuan task or mountainous climb, it is a simple act and, in this case, choosing to take another step forward, another action and believing you can be successful, you are good enough, loveable, deserving and so on. It is in this final quarter of the cycle you have faith and trust you will achieve what you desire.

This completes the circle and by doing this you have become unstuck. You have created a flow in your life. On a subtler level, over time, when sabotage no longer exists in your life cycle, just as the circle denotes, you feel complete, whole and what was missing is now fulfilled. There is no gaping hole to fill and with more confidence in your own ability to create the life you desire, you will become free, to live a happy, healthy, fulfilled life.

SELF SABOTAGE

 

 

[The beautiful featured image in this post was taken through a Monterey Cypress tree overlooking Carmel beach in Carmel-by-the-Sea, California.]