What must you do before you have a good level of self worth?

Ask yourself this and, ‘what must I be or do in my life before I value myself?’

If, ‘I am not good enough’, is your most dominant self limiting belief, then you will (most likely unconsciously) create a whole myriad of things you must be and do before you can have a good level of self worth. So when you look to answer these questions honestly, the most likely answer to them will be nothing.

If you are truly honest with yourself, you will see quite clearly that there is nothing you could ever do in terms of external achievements that would impact on your level of self worth to a degree where it is sustainable. You could continue on through the rest of your life convincing yourself that before you can value yourself and have a good level of self worth you must first; buy a house, secure the job of your dreams, live in a warmer country, find a husband or wife, have thousands in the bank, have published a book, be thinner, have better skin (or whatever other body part you think you’d feel better if it changed) and so the list goes on. However, if what you have achieved in your life to this point hasn’t affected the level of self worth you hold for yourself, nothing you ever achieve will affect it. This might seem obvious, but until it sinks in what I am saying won’t have enough of an effect for you to do something meaningful about it. At certain points in your life, when you achieve something, you may get that feeling of elation that ‘this is it!’, this is what you have been waiting for, but you will soon realise it isn’t and continue on with your search for what is missing and needing to just reach another point.

In the end you realise that half of your adult life has disappeared in ‘some day isle’ (a phrase a good friend of mine uses) and that you spend half your time living in the future. You aren’t where your feet are planted, i.e. in the here and now where truly your life is and where it matters most. If you think about it, this is right where your future is created.

The nature of the problem to feeling less than or not good enough is there is something missing. This is why you live your life constantly looking at what you have done wrong or what you could do better – you are focusing on the lack and the scarcity – the what is missing from your life that makes you not good or enough or less than. If you could fill that space, that void with a better job, more money (something from the list above or whatever you feel is missing) your life will be complete. You will be more than enough and feel good. This is self sabotage and a cruel trick of the mind.

The solution is always to be found within the problem – in this case it is simple; to what is missing – there is nothing missing, it is already there within you – your false perception of what is real deludes you into thinking there is something missing. I cannot comment on what your life experience has been to create these false limiting beliefs about yourself, but usually it is the case they were created in childhood. It isn’t even the case that there needed to be great torrents of abuse – truly most parents do the best they can. However, it does not take much for children to grow up believing they are not good enough. Depending on the degree to which they take that on board, will shape the way they then live their lives. This happens through constantly reaffirming the belief by repetitive patterns of behaviour, until it is so conditioned within their being, that by adulthood it simply becomes a normal way of life. Not good enough and the feeling of being less than is so intrinsic to character that it weaves its way through every single avenue of one’s life making it nigh on impossible to spot.

Through meditation and mindfulness it is possible to raise your level of self awareness to such a degree that you can unravel the behaviour and change it. Starting with identifying the beliefs you hold about yourself, others and the world at large. Being mindful enables you to see how your beliefs shape your thoughts that in turn guide your behaviour and ultimately drive your actions.

If you can replace the limiting beliefs you can transform your life. It will not happen overnight. These beliefs have been within you for many years. The further along your life path you are, the trickier it becomes, but it is possible and often times I have found that it is not gargantuan leaps you need to take to make a difference, just small steps that over time become the difference.

If you are reading this, you are already seeking some sort of change. Start by noticing what you think about yourself, what are the habitual patterns of thought that run through your mind are. If you can’t figure these out, that’s ok. Honestly, these beliefs are so ingrained that it can be difficult to know what they are. Another effective way of figuring them out is to look at the end result i.e. what you experience in your life. What are the common themes that run through your relationships, your career, your lifestyle habits, your finances? Really look closely and be honest with yourself. Meditate upon them and seek the answers. They will come.

Once you have figured out the most dominant limiting beliefs – we all have so many, but usually there are just one or two that literally infiltrate most of your life – work on them. I guarantee if you can start to replace the limiting belief with a new one that does serve you, your life will start to change. I am not good enough becomes I am enough, I have enough and I am more than capable of …..(fill in the gap). It all starts with a belief. If nothing else at the starting point, believe in yourself enough to want to change. Start here, right now where your feet are planted and believe in the power you have within you to change. Take each moment of each day and affirm that to yourself until you identify the beliefs and do the same to change those. When you begin to form new beliefs these in turn spark different thoughts. When you start to take actions that are aligned with your new beliefs and thoughts you put energy into motion and you manifest a different outcome than the one you are living. You consciously create a new life, a better life and all those things you believed you needed to achieve to be good enough will already be in front of you. You will realise you are enough and you have enough. In the here and now. I am good enough comes from within and when you truly believe that it will emanate from you into every aspect of your life. What is within will always be without.

“To know you have enough is to be rich beyond measure.” – Lao Tzu

[There is a paradox to me in this photo, finding peace and serenity sitting on the top of a Range Rover. It sums this post up to me in so many ways. This photo was taken by the ocean close to Reyes Point, California, where my sister and I were convinced of climbing down a cliff with my brother!]

Jumble of Thoughts

My sister meditates regularly and her thoughts and questions this morning prompted me to write this post. She relayed to me a Tim Ferriss podcast she was going to listen to about being overwhelmed by information and how to know what to take in and what not to and why.

She said that with returning to a more regular meditation practice recently she has practised the, ‘gone’ meditation and loving kindness. There is so much good information coming to her around meditation that she said she has been sitting to meditate with a jumble of thoughts over what to choose to meditate on.

She asked, “how do I know what makes sense for me and what to choose and how to choose it? How do I not be overwhelmed and over loaded? I know I can’t choose everything, but I want to.”

I was driving at the time I was listening to this (my sister lives on the other side of the world in California and we Vox [walkie talkie messaging] every morning) and so I pondered on it for a while. Instead of voxing back my thoughts like I usually would, my sister’s thoughts and questions inspired me to put this into a blog – thank you Mel 🙂

It didn’t come to me until this evening that the answer is actually in the question (often the case). The ‘how’ (as in how do I know what to choose, what makes sense) is not of our concern, just the intention. My dad used to say to us, ‘yours is not to reason why, yours is just to do or die.’ He didn’t mean it literally, well at times perhaps he did, but apart from the ‘die’ bit of that saying, there is great truth in it. The what, where, why and how of things really isn’t our concern. It can be left for the more infinite power of the universe to take care of.

When you sit to meditate, although you may have a jumble of thoughts or several ideas about what you should or shouldn’t be meditating on, truly your overall intention is just to meditate, right?

So it doesn’t matter how or what you are meditating on. If you think about that, it allows a sense of freedom and relaxation in just simply sitting and being; allowing the flow of meditation to carry you on whatever journey it takes.

When we meditate, we connect on a level of energy with universal energy; the infinite power of the universe, god or whatever you like to view that as. It is this connection that really enables the ‘hows’ of everything to be taken care of.

Remember, to meditate is to focus your attention fully upon something. At times when I meditate, I have a clear intention. One could argue that this negates the act of meditating, but at times I seek solutions or answers and I am clear on that. I don’t have an expectation or an outcome, but I might know I am going to meditate on ‘gone’ or something I am looking for guidance in. If answers come (they always do at some point) in the meditation, great, but if they don’t then that’s great too. I usually find that my path to this decision also comes from within and unless I feel that intention clearly, I let it go. I remind myself as the Buddha said, in the absence of grasping, one is set free.

Often times, however, I don’t have an intention. I just trust that what comes is meant to be. If that is a jumble of thoughts, where I am actually thinking about what to choose and what to focus my meditation on, then I will simply allow that, and I keep returning my focus to the breath. In doing this the thoughts dissipate.

Meditation creates space and separates the jumble of thoughts. Think about your mind being a garden cluttered with autumn leaves (thoughts). Meditation is like the wind, swirling gently between the pile of leaves and blowing them, until they scatter further apart and finally blow away. Truly clearing your mind.

When you realise you are where you are meant to be, what is right for you at the time will come. Meditation brings clarity of mind and a calm approach to thinking; over time thoughts don’t seem to come as fast as they used to and they seem far less jumbled. It isn’t so much that your thinking has slowed down, more that the quality of  your thoughts has accelerated. Thoughts become sharper and focused, more relevant.

There is no wrong or right way to meditate and every day is different. The jumble of thoughts and wanting to focus on so many things to meditate on and bring good things into your life is truly a beautiful thing. Simply notice that during your meditation, returning your focus to the breath. Allow the meditation practice of doing that, unravel the jumble. If it doesn’t feel clearer during that meditation, it will later that day, or during the next one, or the next one. There is no rush, you are where you are meant to be. There is great peace in that. It is a consistent practice that will create space and clarity of mind.

If you find that your meditation is focusing on the racing jumble of thoughts rather than your breath, then that’s ok. You are focusing on something! If you follow this jumble of thoughts for a short time in your mind,  you will naturally settle back to your breath. Thinking is exhausting.

The breath is your centre,  your life force and power within. It is the gateway that connects you to higher levels of consciousness and universal energy. It simply requires your focus and practice…

Breathe in, breathe out.

Daily Prompt: The Conveyor

It is in and of itself, this thing that I describe,

a perpetual motion of moments, so difficult to transcribe.

Powerful and yet so delicate, a paradox for sure,

you’ll want to try and catch it, and keep it more and more.

Its nature is all encompassing, omnipresent with no bounds,

sit silently I ask you, be present and hear the sounds.

Nurturing from within, restoring your inner peace,

you are part of it and it of you, for that will never cease.

Whatever you hold inside you, fear not this mighty conveyor

It is of course meditation, of which I’m a humble purveyor.

 

The Mighty Conveyor

 

[Photo credit to my lovely photographer friend, Gayle Bevan, who took this photo of me while in prayer pose]

Meditating on…

You can meditate on pretty much anything, the most common of course, being the breath. My default is vipassana meditation; focusing on things as they are.

For me, meditation always begins with settling in. Having got comfortable, I notice my surroundings, what I can hear or just the silence, the birds singing or the noise that may or may not be going on outside the room. I notice sensations in my body and have an awareness of how my mind feels. I then naturally bring my focus to the breath, noticing the inhale and the exhale. Occasionally, I will meditate on ‘gone’. You can read about that here in another blog.

Sometimes, I meditate on decisions I’d like to make or problems I would like solutions for. The answers we seek can always be found within, but are not always apparent. Meditation is the guide and enables the answers to come. Not always immediately or in the way we had thought, but the answers do come.

Occasionally, I meditate on something I have read, perhaps a quote and this week I did just that and wanted to share it. When I first read this, something about the words struck me. It was so familiar and yet there was a complete lack of understanding to it. Over the the course of that day it kept returning to me over and over again, and so I have since meditated on it for a few days. It has enabled me to see, clearly as I have never seen before, that the intentions I have for myself in as much as the way I would like to feel, are already here, within me, right now.

I received this from my daily TUT – Notes from the Universe, which you can also receive, free, at www.tut.com – I look forward to these every day, but this one was special. Here is what it said;

To better understand where you’re at, Shelley, seek to understand why you want what you want, getting to the emotions you’re after.
To go even deeper, ask yourself why you think you can’t feel those now.

Hardly a Japanese Koan, but it does require pondering and what better way than to meditate upon it.

After a couple of days meditating on this, I realised that my environment is not as I would want it to be right now but the emotions I am after most definitely are.

Try meditating on that quote and see what comes up for you…let me know how it goes 🙂

[I took this beautiful image at Half Moon Bay, California…love the colours]

Gone

Today I practised ‘gone’ in my mediation. I read about meditation masters who practice this.

Simple, yet powerful.

Gone is always something I have struggled with for most of my life. When I was 7, I got home from school one day to find that my older two brothers and sister had gone. I had no idea where they were or why they had left.

Growing up my family dynamics were complicated. At the time of course I was just a child and had two older brothers, an older sister and a younger brother.

The reality of the matter was, however, that when my dad met my mum he already had three children. One from a marriage that was for convenience (that he had entered  into to keep him from being put into prison) and his wife abandoned their baby (my eldest brother) when he was just 9 days old in the back of a van. And two children from another mother, who he didn’t marry. Unbeknown to me there was another mother and child in between that, but I didn’t know about her until I was 25, so she never really featured in our brother and sister clan.

The first child, my eldest brother, thought that the mother of the second two children (my older brother and sister) was his mother. He was never told otherwise and he didn’t learn of this until he was 15. Inevitably my dad separated from this second mother and my eldest brother, although remaining with her, spent most of his time with my dad, living at my dad’s sister’s house. He then met my mum and because he wasn’t a man to be reckoned with and extremely possessive, was granted custody of the other two children. All three children lived with my mum and dad for the three years before I was born, which at that time would have made them 5, 7 and 9. So for 7 years we lived as brothers and sisters.

If you think about the events leading up to my birth, there was a lot of gone featured for my brothers and sisters too. Almost like something we all shared, even before I was born.

Back to the day I got home from school. There was never an explanation as to where they had gone and my memory was of sitting on our wooden stairs in the house with my younger brother crying and hugging each other. We were totally bewildered. Later on I discovered that they had gone to live with the second mother again. This came from the experience of going to see them there, not from being told or explained to about what or why this had happened. From that point on, all five of us would come and go. There were another two children who arrived later, but by that point gone wasn’t significant for them. Just something that seemed to exist for the five of us.

Gone has figured heavily in my life, because from that day forward, I actually engineered things to go out of my life before I became attached to them. At the time I was of course blissfully unaware of this dysfunction. This manifested itself into everything from friendships to school work and later to relationships and my career. Coupled with other behaviour such as rushing through everything at breakneck speed… born from living with an abusive father and living in fear of the unknown and what would happen next, being bad and so on, this just became my chaotic and destructive normal. Apart from the strong bonds to my brothers and sisters, especially my younger brother who had remained with me when the other three had gone, nothing stuck and I ended everything, usually abruptly only to then start something else before finishing it. Gone, gone, gone.

The pace at which this gone occurred became more frantic the older I became. Although now many, many (I could say many several more times but you get the gist) years later I have a good understanding of all of this situation and have forgiven, accepted and moved beyond the emotional trauma of it all, I notice at times, I am still somewhat drawn to gone.

You will sense my elation then that I learnt in meditation, gone is actually synonymous with joy and meditating on, ‘gone’ brings joy. It’s uplifting to me that the idea of ‘gone’, which previously dominated my life to such a debilitating degree, now brings joy.

Highlighting Buddhist philosophy, meditating on, ‘gone’ reflects the impermanence of life and of the suffering attachment to things brings. Everything ends and an acceptance of this brings peace, which in turn breeds joy.

To meditation on ‘gone’, simply sit and notice the end of the out breath, where the breath is gone and the point at which it has gone. Notice that moment. I realised there is gone at the end of the in breath too, for a tiny moment as your breath whispers in and up, as though floating in your meditation. There is a tiny moment of gone, before the exhale returns your breath out again. Notice the gone.

This spills into your mindfulness practice during the day. Notice the moments of gone in every day life. The sound of the wind stopping, a bird you are watching flying from a tree. Bigger things in your life like your loved ones, material things such as your home, car or money, nothing is permanent – everything ends and is gone at some point. There is something magical about gone – it signifies the end, but that marks a beginning. Impermanence as much as it brings suffering can bring joy and meditating on, ‘gone’ brings an acceptance of this and sheds a whole new light on your life…try it.

 

 

[this photo was taken in the late seventies of me and my closest brother; two peas in a pod…and the car is a Vauxhall Viva!]

Practice loving kindness

I learnt this while reading Tim Ferriss’ book, Tools of Titans. In it there is a chapter on Chade Meng Tan – have a read on him at Wikipedia  – such a great dude. I later read his book Joy on Demand. He talks about the benefits of practising loving kindness and specifically of one woman who had the happiest day in 7 years after just practising a few seconds of what he suggested the following day.

Aside from recommending you read Joy on Demand, I highly recommend practising loving kindness. It blows my mind how much this works. Of course the intention isn’t to benefit yourself, but others – even so, you’ll reap the benefits by default and whichever way you look at it, we all want to be happy right?

I usually practice this before I go to bed, but Meng suggests you do it for 10 seconds (it probably takes less than that) on the hour every hour while at work.

Here’s what you do…

Pick out two random people who walk by you at work at that particular moment and wish for them to be happy. That’s it. Seriously. Wish for the person you choose to be happy. Truly wish that for them. If you don’t do this at work you can try it for someone you know. If you struggle wishing others to be happy then you actually need this more than anything, but starting out with someone you know will make it easier.

That’s it.

Try it, on the hour, every hour, tomorrow. Choose a random couple of people and individually wish for them to be happy. Think in your mind as you look at that person, “I wish for you to be happy.” It is actually surprising how great this makes you feel, but at the end of the day just see for yourself…..and then do it every day and the end of that week see how you feel.

Tim Ferriss (the master experimenter himself) said that he tried it for a month and could not believe the difference in his happiness level. This was the only thing he had done differently – he questioned it because of the simplicity of the practice.

So, the perfect way to end this little ditty is just that, I wish for you to be happy!

 

[I don’t know who to credit this beautiful serene image to….I found it on Facebook and it is widely used, so if you know, please drop me a comment and I will add a credit, thank you.]

The Journey Begins

I am currently in the process of writing my third book…the first was a memoir and the second fiction…both read much like ‘chick flick lit’; just light hearted and funny. I’ve always wanted to write non fiction but never seemed to be able to get moving with it. I’d start the story only to get a few pages or chapters in and put it down again. I am sure on my computer there are at least half a dozen unfinished stories…

What makes this one different? Well, I guess it came about through and in of itself (had to think about that one) in that the idea came to me during meditation.

The book isn’t yet finished, but meditation has truly transformed my life and I figured it would be good to share that. I seem to be given more and more opportunities to promote its benefits and of practising mindfulness that it has now become somewhat of a purpose.

I have had many…purposes I mean. I always wanted to find that single purpose that would dominate my life…that ‘thing’ that I was good at and just meant to do. You know like a gymnast or an artist, a teacher or a lawyer. Some people just know what they are meant to do. They either just began it long ago when they were young and their passion just grew into their career and for others they found it later on, perhaps after college or when they started working. For me it wasn’t like that. I never really had any clue what I was doing. My life was chaotic and very self destructive. About 11 years ago (I was 35 at the time) I changed my life. It was a bit like that movie, Sliding Doors, you know the one, with Gwyneth Paltrow, where the movie shows what happened if….and then one story and if…and then another story. It was a freezing cold February night and I was probably at the height of destroying myself. The previous 20 years hadn’t gone so well…the destruction mainly manifesting itself in alcohol abuse, bad relationships and some pretty bad decisions – that is a book in of itself (there that saying goes again!). It was snowing outside and my 3 year old son was in the bath.

I had spent the 3 years prior to that February night smoking marijuana every single day to cope with what had been the end of a relationship that almost ended my life and almost my son’s life too. I was permanently stoned, to varying degrees, and could not function without marijuana or alcohol. Somehow I managed to just carry on. Resilience is something I have bucket loads of and I am so grateful for that because am sure without it I would not be here to tap this little tale.

There were times when smoking marijuana would make me dizzy. I think the fact that I went outside to smoke my first joint at 8 am didn’t help matters, but it worsened over time. It reached a point where I had reduced the amount I smoked simply because I couldn’t function well otherwise and I found a balance where I was stoned enough to be in the state I needed to be in to cope, but not too stoned to where I was dizzy. About the same time as the dizziness started I began to experience periods of time where I couldn’t sense reality anymore. I realise that’s the purpose of drugs, but for me this was more than that. Because there were so many underlying emotional issues and dysfunctions I hadn’t addressed, the marijuana just seemed to magnify them. I became paranoid, frightened and my mental state began to spiral out of control.

Back to the February evening. I was washing my son’s hair and it was as though I could see my hands washing his hair but I wasn’t there. I became dizzy and couldn’t see properly. My vision was blurring and going in and out of being clear and then flashes of black as though I were going to pass out. I tried to focus on washing his hair and chatting to him to keep myself focused on where I was. It didn’t help. I asked my daughter who would have been 7 at the time to watch my son in the bath for a minute. I stood by the top of the stairs and gripped the bannister rail to stop myself swaying and falling over. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality, as though I was not in my own head anymore. It was as though I was losing myself and what would be left would be nothing but incredibly frightening at the same time. What would be left would be a monster and not me anymore. I was losing my mind and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

In that moment as I stood gripping the bannister and trying to hang on to my mind which I felt I was losing, I had a flood of thought that seemed to fill my entire being. It wasn’t that there was a bright light or anything ethereal, but it was as though it came from somewhere else and I could see in my mind two paths. It was so sudden and so stark that it was as though my life was flashing before me, but as it would become, not as it had been. If I continued on the path of self destruction then I would not be able to hold on for much longer. I would ruin the lives of my children and risk losing them. I would ruin my life and I would end up a hollow shell and perhaps worse, I would end up dead. Or. I could change my life.

Fortunately, I chose the latter. The journey hasn’t always been easy, but I had found purpose. My children. To be the best mother I could be. It wasn’t that I was a bad mother before, I did the best with what I had and with who I was, but my priorities, whilst I would have said they were my children, were not. The self destruction was far too great and so the damage I did to myself most definitely had an impact on them. They were never hurt, not physically, thank god, but emotionally, most definitely. I am sure they felt my pain and the characters they developed early in their life would have been marred somewhat by events that took place during that time.

They have grown into beautiful, charming, funny and happy young adults and thank god for that.

That February evening was not my first experience of what I always think of as divine intervention, although I had ignored the others, much to my detriment, but it was really the first time I experienced something I couldn’t describe or make sense of logically.

When I made the decision to change my life, naturally the right things came along. These were in the form of Buddhism, meditation and yoga and those 3 things have remained and are now an intrinsic part of who I am and my life…

During the past 11 years, my purpose has always remained to be the best mum I can be and every day I strive to be better. My journey has, however, enabled me to expand and enhance my purpose (and thankfully a lot of self development and healing too!) from becoming a yoga teacher, meditation teacher, life coach and Indian head masseuse to a  writer and author, web designer, brand and marketing consultant and more recently a photographer. So many purposes. I have lost the notion of having to have a single one and feel blessed to be one of those fortunate people who has many! Although I have dropped many of those purposes, some have remained.

Overall I have come to realise that truly we are all here to help one another, to serve others and to be kind. To be the best version of ourselves that we can be and to always do our best. It is cliche to say, let’s all strive for world peace, but so true and so very much needed. Did you know, and I quote the Dalai Lama, that if every 8 year old in the world was taught to meditate, we would eliminate violence in one generation? So, yes, let’s all strive for world peace.

Everyone has a past, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. Meditation isn’t just for healing or some mystical Eastern practice just for self help junkies. It is practical and perfect for our modern day life. It improves your emotional and physical wellbeing and is accessible to everyone, anytime.

Practising meditation and mindfulness every day will literally transform your life…

 

 

[Some years ago I bought this stock image for a meditation page on one of my websites at the time. I love it and so there is some irony that it was perhaps always destined …that so many years later it has become the cover of my new book; Maldives for the Mind.]