I am currently in the process of writing my third book…the first was a memoir and the second fiction…both read much like ‘chick flick lit’; just light hearted and funny. I’ve always wanted to write non fiction but never seemed to be able to get moving with it. I’d start the story only to get a few pages or chapters in and put it down again. I am sure on my computer there are at least half a dozen unfinished stories…
What makes this one different? Well, I guess it came about through and in of itself (had to think about that one) in that the idea came to me during meditation.
The book isn’t yet finished, but meditation has truly transformed my life and I figured it would be good to share that. I seem to be given more and more opportunities to promote its benefits and of practising mindfulness that it has now become somewhat of a purpose.
I have had many…purposes I mean. I always wanted to find that single purpose that would dominate my life…that ‘thing’ that I was good at and just meant to do. You know like a gymnast or an artist, a teacher or a lawyer. Some people just know what they are meant to do. They either just began it long ago when they were young and their passion just grew into their career and for others they found it later on, perhaps after college or when they started working. For me it wasn’t like that. I never really had any clue what I was doing. My life was chaotic and very self destructive. About 11 years ago (I was 35 at the time) I changed my life. It was a bit like that movie, Sliding Doors, you know the one, with Gwyneth Paltrow, where the movie shows what happened if….and then one story and if…and then another story. It was a freezing cold February night and I was probably at the height of destroying myself. The previous 20 years hadn’t gone so well…the destruction mainly manifesting itself in alcohol abuse, bad relationships and some pretty bad decisions – that is a book in of itself (there that saying goes again!). It was snowing outside and my 3 year old son was in the bath.
I had spent the 3 years prior to that February night smoking marijuana every single day to cope with what had been the end of a relationship that almost ended my life and almost my son’s life too. I was permanently stoned, to varying degrees, and could not function without marijuana or alcohol. Somehow I managed to just carry on. Resilience is something I have bucket loads of and I am so grateful for that because am sure without it I would not be here to tap this little tale.
There were times when smoking marijuana would make me dizzy. I think the fact that I went outside to smoke my first joint at 8 am didn’t help matters, but it worsened over time. It reached a point where I had reduced the amount I smoked simply because I couldn’t function well otherwise and I found a balance where I was stoned enough to be in the state I needed to be in to cope, but not too stoned to where I was dizzy. About the same time as the dizziness started I began to experience periods of time where I couldn’t sense reality anymore. I realise that’s the purpose of drugs, but for me this was more than that. Because there were so many underlying emotional issues and dysfunctions I hadn’t addressed, the marijuana just seemed to magnify them. I became paranoid, frightened and my mental state began to spiral out of control.
Back to the February evening. I was washing my son’s hair and it was as though I could see my hands washing his hair but I wasn’t there. I became dizzy and couldn’t see properly. My vision was blurring and going in and out of being clear and then flashes of black as though I were going to pass out. I tried to focus on washing his hair and chatting to him to keep myself focused on where I was. It didn’t help. I asked my daughter who would have been 7 at the time to watch my son in the bath for a minute. I stood by the top of the stairs and gripped the bannister rail to stop myself swaying and falling over. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality, as though I was not in my own head anymore. It was as though I was losing myself and what would be left would be nothing but incredibly frightening at the same time. What would be left would be a monster and not me anymore. I was losing my mind and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
In that moment as I stood gripping the bannister and trying to hang on to my mind which I felt I was losing, I had a flood of thought that seemed to fill my entire being. It wasn’t that there was a bright light or anything ethereal, but it was as though it came from somewhere else and I could see in my mind two paths. It was so sudden and so stark that it was as though my life was flashing before me, but as it would become, not as it had been. If I continued on the path of self destruction then I would not be able to hold on for much longer. I would ruin the lives of my children and risk losing them. I would ruin my life and I would end up a hollow shell and perhaps worse, I would end up dead. Or. I could change my life.
Fortunately, I chose the latter. The journey hasn’t always been easy, but I had found purpose. My children. To be the best mother I could be. It wasn’t that I was a bad mother before, I did the best with what I had and with who I was, but my priorities, whilst I would have said they were my children, were not. The self destruction was far too great and so the damage I did to myself most definitely had an impact on them. They were never hurt, not physically, thank god, but emotionally, most definitely. I am sure they felt my pain and the characters they developed early in their life would have been marred somewhat by events that took place during that time.
They have grown into beautiful, charming, funny and happy young adults and thank god for that.
That February evening was not my first experience of what I always think of as divine intervention, although I had ignored the others, much to my detriment, but it was really the first time I experienced something I couldn’t describe or make sense of logically.
When I made the decision to change my life, naturally the right things came along. These were in the form of Buddhism, meditation and yoga and those 3 things have remained and are now an intrinsic part of who I am and my life…
During the past 11 years, my purpose has always remained to be the best mum I can be and every day I strive to be better. My journey has, however, enabled me to expand and enhance my purpose (and thankfully a lot of self development and healing too!) from becoming a yoga teacher, meditation teacher, life coach and Indian head masseuse to a writer and author, web designer, brand and marketing consultant and more recently a photographer. So many purposes. I have lost the notion of having to have a single one and feel blessed to be one of those fortunate people who has many! Although I have dropped many of those purposes, some have remained.
Overall I have come to realise that truly we are all here to help one another, to serve others and to be kind. To be the best version of ourselves that we can be and to always do our best. It is cliche to say, let’s all strive for world peace, but so true and so very much needed. Did you know, and I quote the Dalai Lama, that if every 8 year old in the world was taught to meditate, we would eliminate violence in one generation? So, yes, let’s all strive for world peace.
Everyone has a past, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. Meditation isn’t just for healing or some mystical Eastern practice just for self help junkies. It is practical and perfect for our modern day life. It improves your emotional and physical wellbeing and is accessible to everyone, anytime.
Practising meditation and mindfulness every day will literally transform your life…
[Some years ago I bought this stock image for a meditation page on one of my websites at the time. I love it and so there is some irony that it was perhaps always destined …that so many years later it has become the cover of my new book; Maldives for the Mind.]